Sorrow

I am feeling very melancholy this evening. I just received a long distance phone call from a friend telling me his mother just passed away.
Flashback to the early "60's" ...a single mother during an era that was still somewhat innocent. If you did not have a dad at home your mom was known as a fast or bad woman and you were considered a bastard. If you didn't fit that Ozzie & Harriet family description of a middle class family you were looked down on and judged by the general population, and God forbid if you were any other race than white because racial hatred was very much alive and well prior to The Civil Rights Movement. (Not that prejudice isn't alive today, but hopefully we have learned to have more love and acceptance for each other as human beings).
My friend's mom and my mom were best friends. They had met working on the same job. Although my mother was married and I had a father in the house, my mom was looked down on because she worked outside the home and she was actively fighting for civil rights. My family was not well liked in a community where most people were middle class Ozzie & Harriet's.
So the two moms, one single raising a young boy on her own and the other independent, unfashionable and opinionated, formed a bond that lasted for almost fifty years.
I told my friend, "My heart breaks for you. I know how much you meant to each other. It was always just the two of you." His reply, "No, we had you and your mom in some of the most difficult times in our life."
My mother is 88 years old and just as spry as ever. She takes care of my father who is 91 and my 57 year old mentally ill brother. She can talk politics and current events better than anyone I know, and she can tell you stories of the great depression that will have you wiping tears from your eyes.
I really hated to call her and tell her that her best friend had passed away.
She took it well...better than I did actually. I think because she has outlived all three of her siblings and seen many of her childhood friends and elderly neighbors pass on.
Even though I feel such sorrow for my friend at the lost of his mother, I also feel good knowing that his mom was the best mother she knew how to be and a wonderful friend. She was my friend's best friend too. She did not always approve of his lifestyle and was anxiety ridden during the early "70's" when he became involved in the drug culture, but stood by him and gave him all the support he needed when he went through rehab. She was unhappy with his choice of a bride several years later, but her heart broke for him when his marriage ended in divorce. They disagreed on some things, but she loved her only child more than anything in the world and he knew it.
I can only hope that when my last day on earth comes my daughter will have learned to appreciate me as much as Tommy, my friend appreciated and loved his mom. I know she did not want to leave him, but she left with a whisper of reassurance in her ear, "Its okay mom. I'm okay."

Just Answer the Dammed Phone

I call my daughter between 5:30 and 6:00 p.m. every day on her drive home from work just to say hello and ask her how her day has been. Sometimes when I get ready to call, my cell rings and it is her actually calling me. What I hate are those times I call and she is on the line. I hang up, call back 10 or 15 minutes later and she is still on the phone. She knows it's me, she doesn't switch over, just keeps yaking away knowing I am getting impatient. Maybe because she knows it's me and that is the reason she doesn't answer. This is probably true. Lately she hasn't wanted to talk to me much. She knows I don't care for the way she handled new date. I should also know by now that the more negative comments I make about a guy, especially if he is a real ASShole, the more she will defend him. I have never quite understood this phenomenon and I've taken pysch 101! When she was involved with DICKWEED I learned as time went by to just bite my tongue...It's a wonder I have a tongue left considering all the years she wasted with him. Did she hear me throughout any of those years? I believe she did, and now of course she knows I was right, as was all of her friends and anyone else who cared for her . Denial is a terrible thing, it makes you blind and defiant to the truth. In this case the truth being that her good nature is winning over her common sense...once again! At least she is not in love with this guy. She is not sitting around waiting for him, but she gave him the benefit of doubt...still wants to believe he is a decent guy, with a pyscho ex-girlfriend that just can't get involved right now. HA HA! She is going to stay friends with this guy? Why am I not surprised? Time will tell, and in the meantime I guess I will have to start biting my tongue again.

The Calm After the Storm

I live near the coast, about 35 miles from VA Beach. I grew up in Hampton Roads closer to the water than where I am today. I have experienced quite a few storms in my almost 53 years, several hurricanes, and I have actually survived three tornado's. I should be use to storms by now, you would think. That old cliche "the calm before the storm" really holds true. The sky's are usually very clear and light blue with white puffy clouds... the kind of clouds you spend your time looking up at and using your imagination to see really cool things in like, "oh look its a big white lion" or "that's the white mustang I've been dreaming about.". Now tornado's are not your usual storms. Unlike most of the hurricanes I have been through, with tornado's there is no warning. A tornado comes in quick, sucks up everything in its path and then spits it out on whats left of what it already obliterated.
In the summer of "72' my now husband and I were driving on Interstate 64 in Chesapeake,VA near what was then the small community of Great Bridge. It had been raining for a while, the road was already slick and visibility poor when the drops started coming down much harder. With no warning a blanket of black was thrown over the top of the car and we couldn't see two feet ahead of us. We were sucked up in a spinning void of darkness and hurled back out a mile down the road. We landed across a ravine. On each side of that ravine were large trees with looming branch's and huge roots. The car was slammed so hard upon impact and the force of the twister so powerful that the zipper on the long formal dress I was wearing was completely ripped apart and thrown into oblivion. The car (a brand new Javelin) was completely totaled. Not a scratch on either one of us. We waded through the deep wet ravine and walked away from the wreck that was once a car, into the clear light of day. The rain had stopped, the sky was blue and there were those beautiful white puffy clouds.
I stayed sick at my stomach for several days after that first tornado, and I've never taken storms for granted since.
I guess I am a pro at surviving storms. I learned to survive the stormy years of my childhood, adolescence, and teenage years, and now I am learning to survive a different kind of storm.
When my daughter was in college I worried about her, after all she was almost 1000 miles away. I talked to her everyday though and I understood that this was a time in her life to learn not only academics , but that the college experience as a whole would be invaluable. Yes, she did stupid things, most college kids do, but she had a great time and to this day tells me it was the best time of her life.
When she graduated and came home six years ago she met DICKWEED. For five years it was like getting beat to death by one of those coastal storms...worse than a hurricane, messier than a North Easter and just as cruel as a tornado. It's been pretty calm sailing for the last several months...up until now. It's hurricane season down here on the coast of VA. We have a lot of severe thunder storm warnings and tornado spin offs. Lets hope the worst passes us by this year.

How Selfish Am I?

This is why I worry? My daughter is a beautiful young woman, and beautiful young women are always taken advantage of.

Shooting Star is right when she said, "Sometimes us young ones have to learn for ourselves and make mistakes doing just that." Just how many mistakes do you have to make before you get it right?

I was married very young. I had just turned 18 and I knew a good thing when I saw it. He was six years older than me, a college graduate, and had hair on his chest! You must remember this was a time when we wore bell bottom jeans, and platform shoes. Check out the pic on the right.

Oftentimes my daughter will say to me, "You do not know what its like because you have been married to dad forever." True to a certain extent. I have observed and been involved with my friends and family members throughout the years as they have gone through bad dating experiences, crappy relationships, and nasty divorces. I have cried with them, cussed with them, and helped them think of the worse possible vengeance on earth. There were even times when I have spied for them and been the go-between.

In 2002 my best friend found out her husband of twenty-five years was living a double life. How messed up is that? I can not begin to tell you of the raw emotions I witnessed and also felt myself. I knew this man she was married to or... so like her I thought I did. I watched her whole life being destroyed and could do nothing to help her.

"I know what people are capable of". That is the answer I give to my daughter when she starts with the ...well you just don't understand BS.

I just want my daughter to be happy. When she is happy, I am happy. Is that so selfish?

By the way, the new date, got him figured out already. He wants to have a pyscho ex-girlfriend. The idea is she keeps him from dating anyone for too long (just what he wants) and that way he can be a secret player. Just what he wants.

Wise Up

My daughter keeps telling me..."Mom I'm not stupid." I keep saying back to her, "Duh....It took you five years to get rid of Dickweed, I hope you are no longer stupid!"

She is out tonight taking care of a situation. The situation being the new date from the other night that has the psycho ex-girlfriend. The psycho ex-girlfriend who sends my daughter text messages in the middle of the night telling her to stay away from new date. I am starting to believe there is no psycho ex-girlfriend, just a psycho still girlfriend. I'm thinking he is playing the psycho girlfriend and my daughter.

See the real liars and manipulators know how to play the game. Everyone just has a different game plan. Seems this one's strategy is to be the good friend and confidant and just when he knows the time is right he makes that move to "I feel more for you than just friendship".

My daughter and I had a nice chat last night over dinner. I do believe she has grown stronger from going through five years of mental and emotional abuse at the hands of a master. I also know her better than anyone on this earth, and she is not a cold hearted person. She always wants to believe in people and not think unkindly of them. When she realizes someone is not the person she thought they were it really devastates her. Unlike me who does not have as much faith in human nature and tend to be more cold hearted. I have wiped several people out of my life with a snap of my fingers and the statement, "You are dead to me." I tend to be a little unforgiving, especially when it comes to betrayal. That is the hard harded gene I inherited from my father. The older I get, I grow more like him. Not a good thing. When I was growing up my dad was not really a happy man. He drank too much and fought with my mom and I was always in the middle. As he grew older he drank more and became very bitter about life. It has only been within the last 10 years or so that he has mellowed out some, after all he has lived so far to be 91 what should he be bitter about now?

Train Wreck

I haven't had a decent nights sleep for the last month! I walk around with my heart in my throat and half the time I feel as if I need to just throw up. When I finally lay my head down at night on my soft pillow and have the good fortune of drowsing off, I am usually awaken by a phone call or text message (from my daughter) or I sleep the sleep of the dammed...you know the kind of sleep I am talking about...the kind where you are stuck in some kind of nightmarish dream state...I am either running from something or my teeth are falling out! This is my life.
Off and on for five years I watched my daughter's heart go through a shredder. That's what happens when you get involved with someone who is sociopath and control freak. Believe me there are many of them out there just waiting to play the manipulation game with someone. Evil liars all of them! I had a nickname for this one in particular...DICKWEED. You see, no matter what kind of weed killer you poured on him he kept coming back, and back and back. Dickweed kept sprouting up everywhere and he was similar to poison ivy. Touch him and the allergic reaction would be overwhelming! The more my daughter would get near him the more severe reaction she would have. Well he finally died a slow death, but it took too long and it left my daughter with a lot of scars.
So now she is back in the dating scene and really does not know how to act or react. I have been after her for so long to get out there and now that she has I have found I am not any lessed worrried for her now than I was for the last five years. What does she do...she meets somebody! She can't just meet a simple guy that would like to just have fun, oh no. After several dates with several different assholes, she starts dating a good friend. Complicated!!! She has baggage...trust issues, he has an ex-girlfriend who is a pyscho bitch. RED FLAGS!!!
So now it starts all over again. Why can't she just live a normal life? Is she destined to always have this kind of drama in her life?

Do We Live Vicariously Through our children

I sure hope not! It is too exhausting!
Although I am sure there are many parents that do live vicariously through their kids.
My childhood and teenage years were sensational enough, why go through that all over again. Especially in today’s culture!

When my daughter was growing up that comment was made to me several times. Of course the people who made the comment were parents who were raising their children in a much different way than I was raising my child. I was and have always been an involved parent. They on the other hand were the kind of parents who had children and either controlled every move and decision they made or their children stood as status symbols in their life more than anything else.

My daughter and I have a very strong bond. It has been hard at times walking that thin line and crossing over to best friend and then back to mother.

I did not really have much of a relationship with my mother until I was about seventeen years old. In a time when most moms were stay- at- home my mother worked eight hours a day. My grandmother (my mom’s mom) was the biggest influence in my life. She lived with us and raised my brother and me. As a matter of fact, I don’t have any memories of my mother until I was about eight years old. Oh, I know my mother loved me, but those first years I only remember grandma. She was the one who kissed the boo-boo’s rocked me to sleep, read to me, played with me, and spanked my butt. She is the only face I see when I look back on those early days of my childhood. She was always there.

That’s what I have tried to do. Always be there for my daughter. That bond was established when she lay on my stomach right after birth, before the cord was even cut.
Unlike my grandmother who was a saint, I can’t claim sainthood, but I have kissed the boo boo’s, rocked her to sleep, read to her, played with her and when needed ...spanked her butt!

The boo boo’s are bigger now, and may not show on the outside, but they still require a band aid of sorts. I have stayed with her when she is sick or stressed and can’t get to sleep and even though I don’t read to her anymore we can put on a movie and eat her favorite comfort food. I can no longer discipline her, but a mother’s advice is still given and sometimes ignored.

Do I live vicariously through my daughter? You tell me.

First Blog

Why did I decide to write a blog?
I thought it would be a good thing to write about my life and the exepience of being a mom.
See, what many young women who want children do not realize is that once that sweet beautiful baby is here in your arms, it does not stay that way. That sweet beautiful baby grows into a toddler, a preschooler, a kid, a teen and then an adult just like everyone else. That adult is still your child but the easy problems of childhood are not so easy to solve any more. The days of time-out, on restriction, or even a spank on the butt are long gone. You can no longer save them when they fall, all you can do is stand by and watch them as they get closer and closer to the cliff. You can try pulling them back and sometimes you are successful, but not always. The hardest part of being a mother for me is having to stand by and see the mistakes your adult child makes and be able to do nothing. Oh, advice is well and good, just not always heard.
I look back on those long ago days of my childhood and teen years and compare them to the way my daughter grew up. Times have really changed. There is no comparison. Just like the kids growing up today. Have you heard the saying, "Kids are born grown today?" Its true!

Anyway, here it is Sunday night and I am waiting for my daughter to answer a text message. She has been somewhere (I have no earthly idea where) with her newest date for the last 24 hours and I need to know when she is coming back into town. She has my car and I have her dog. It is time for a trade!

I will try one more time to get a hold of her and then I will strart stressing out as usual.